I quite often come across the words “What will grow out of you” used by parents talking to their children.
I have been thinking about them and wondering why they are used and what is their deeper purpose. I would like to draw attention to the tendency to use this expression; it is used extremely often among the problems of rebellious teenagers. This is the moment when parents start doubting their children’s thinking and claiming that they are influenced by their peers because they are not responsible for their children’s friends. The point is that they are, despite the lack of awareness of this relationship. Consider the following few questions and think about their answers:
Do you know of a family where balanced and peaceful parents face aggression in their child?
Have you encountered a situation where young people growing up in a rich home have become thieves?
Do children from decent homes make pathological friends?
Now you are probably wondering what is the point of these questions if you have answered most or all of them ‘yes’. I’ll explain. When we’re born, we don’t know who we are yet. We develop, shape ourselves, and thus become distinctive and unique in our grandeur. We become individualists because our thinking, although it may be similar to that of our parents, is different from theirs.
Let us assume that you and your partner share, as with the first question, an emotionally balanced relationship. From the very beginning, your child shows certain characteristics that are worth diagnosing and reflecting on their needs. Small children are curious, energetic and ubiquitous. They do not like peace and monotony. Most of them are impression-seekers, without paying attention to the consequences for which their carers are already responsible.
If you, as parents, have deprived them of this through your stoicism, the child has become limited, limited by experience and knowledge of the world. The young individual is not able to define nor show this because he or she does not yet understand themselves and what they expect from life. They begin to mature and his frustrations grow and grow with him. Finally there is a moment of explosion, an explosion of emotions, and you wonder why your child has become so aggressive. Here we are talking about a specific case, but you can even analyze it in any way you wish by applying completely different factors that you identify with the problem in your child.
So let’s look at another example.
You’re in a relationship where money doesn’t matter because there is enough. You live on a high level, and your children are not missing anything. You find out that a few days ago, your son was found stealing. You are wondering why this happened especially that he has never lacked money. But hasn’t he lacked emotions non-comparable to money? What’s the sign of stealing apart from having a ‘thing’? Adrenaline or emotional agitation. Such a person may lack experience, a moment of stress, which is attractive to him. And if he couldn’t experience such emotions during his life, he said he would, in spite, and show you what he was missing. There are many factors which explain this behaviour. One is a lack of commitment and closeness. A young person who cannot pay attention to himself and feels ignored by his parents will arouse interest by leaning towards the wrong activity, thinking that this will eventually draw attention to himself.
What about friends?
I frequently hear that after all, we don’t have any influence on who our child will be friends with. But this is what we have the greatest influence on. What morals we will present to our children and what values we will teach them will influence who they will associate with. Think about what such a young person needs and aspires to over the years. At 16-18, he does not focus on ambitions and future plans. At this age, young people often look for friendships focusing on parties, socializing, drinking, etc. The life environment of their best friend is not important to them, or their intellectual level. It is important for them to have time and spend it in a way similar to their own expectations. This is a priority for our adolescent child, and you are wrong to think that his friends are inadequate and drag him to the wrong side. As long as you have raised your child well, you have taught him to be systematic and independent and you should have no worries. Sooner or later, such knowledge will be spread through differences, perhaps: environmental, intellectual and emotional. Our knowledge has been changing and developing over the years, and with awareness of this process, we should show our children trust.
Would you say this is a good plan?
With calm parents, we will grow up to be calm people ourselves.
With aggressive parents, we will be aggressive ourselves.
With parents who steal, we are more likely to start doing it ourselves.
With alcoholic parents, there is a greater tendency to abuse alcohol.
A TENDENCY, IN ANY CASE, THAT DOESN’T MEAN THE RULE.