Have you ever wondered where the quarrels and misunderstandings come from?
Does it depend on a bad fit between two people?
Or does it depend on the fact that they simply do not understand each other in the world?
Or is it because they perceive the source of different behaviours differently?
I have talked to a couple who have a healthy relationship despite differences in their perceptions. The boyfriend blames the girl for all the behavior that doesn’t suit him, not focusing on his own faults which are the driving force behind his behaviour. She, on the other hand, understands her own needs and knows exactly where they come from, but does not understand his behavior.
And this is the key to all this:
They pay attention to their partner’s behaviour while they completely fail to understand the tendency that a particular behaviour causes in another person.
You know what I mean, right?
Aggression causes aggression.
Anxiety causes anxiety.
Happiness and appreciation cause happiness and appreciation.
Everything we give to the other person reflects on us and affects us in exactly the same way.
I have been thinking about how you can help them to get their attention and notice their behaviour first, and then to relate to their other half. It’s a very hard task because most people don’t see, or actually don’t want to see their faults.
But I succeeded.
We started a long talk about their relationship; about what annoys them in the other person and also in themselves. It came out after less than an hour that everything that makes them nervous also applies to them. Every attribute that annoys them in the partner is also their attribute, or they behave in such a manner that this attribute is propelled and brought out through their behaviour. These people were completely unaware of this tendency, and with a longer reflection they admitted to me that they are right. They simply did not understand each other on this issue. They could not comprehend that one behaviour is causing another. They couldn’t understand that their partner’s inappropriate behaviour is also their own fault. They focused on the other person’s faults, regardless of their own.
Let’s think about how a lack of understanding affects the other person. Do you find that listening to the other person is so difficult that you stop doing it by focusing only on yourself? People need to be heard. This makes them feel emotionally close, supportive, and most important of all, understood.
. . .
Or maybe you have a problem talking to your partner calmly because whatever he or she doesn’t say is starting to annoy you?
If this happens, think about what exactly makes you nervous, and make sure that the same behaviour does not make your partner nervous. Tell him your thoughts and work together on the changes that will bring new life to your relationship.
Start by changing yourself and understanding yourself, and only then start working with your partner on your joint relationship.