The cycle: build a long-term relationship (PART 3)

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This part of the series will be the shortest, but the most intense.

We will focus on practice and step back into the past for a moment so that we can fully see the tendency of our present behavior.

If you are ready then start with a simple task:

Take a piece of paper

Draw a raft on it and yourself together with your partner. You are sailing through the sea and there is a powerful storm around you. Draw lightning bolts to symbolize the difficult moments in your relationship.

Think of how many such moments there have been and for each lightning bolt write down a particular event that has affected your relationship badly, that has symbolized a crisis or your problems.

Take a second sheet of paper and draw the same picture on it, only with a different environment. This time it is beautiful weather. Draw the sun, but hold back the rays.

Consider whether the problems/crisis moments in the relationship marked by the lightning bolts have been resolved. If so, next to each sunbeam, write down how you have dealt with the problem (read lightning) together as a relationship. If one problem (read lightning) has not been solved omit it and do not draw a ray. The number of rays and lightning bolts may differ!

Count how many lightning bolts and how many sunbeams there are.

The point of this activity is to draw attention to problems and solutions. See for yourself how many hard moments in a relationship you have managed to fix. A very important part of this is to notice how you repaired it. If you have dealt with one problem, you will also deal with the next. You can use the ways you have written down or implement completely new ones.

If you have more lightning than rays of sunshine…

If you have more lightning bolts than rays of sunshine then it’s time to change that. Pick one lightning bolt and find a potential solution to the problem. Also, review the questions from cycle parts 1 and 2. Pay attention to your partner’s level of commitment, intimacy, and passion. Also, pay attention to yourself in these aspects (see below for information on reading the scoring of questions from earlier in the cycle).

Think about what the problem might stem from, write down a potential solution, talk about it with your partner and implement the change. When the problem is solved-draw a ray and writes a way forward. These two pieces of paper can serve you for a lifetime. You find the cause, but also the effect. You solve the problem and life becomes more luminous, eventually more rays of light shine through.

If the amount of lightning is equal to the number of rays

If the number of lightning bolts is equal to the number of rays it means that you can solve problems and your communication with your partner is most likely at a high level. You understand each other and can work together. You can save this card for moments of doubt or crisis/ arguments.

It will help you to understand how many difficult moments you have had in your life and how well you have solved them. Treat the card as a motivation, a support that will guide you through your partnership life.

If there is no ray of light in you

If there is no ray in you then the situation is quite difficult, but everything is there to be worked through! To start solving problems in a relationship we have to start with ourselves. Analyze the questions in the previous parts of the series carefully and find the area that is the ‘Achilles heel’ or weakest link in your relationship. By having this area-not necessarily one, there may be more-you can start working on changes. You will learn more about this in the next part of the series.

How do I read the question scores from the previous parts of the series?

1 – This is the lowest level of passion, intimacy, and commitment. You may have reached a point of crisis, an argument, or just a worse time in your relationship. Your love may seem empty, dry, and dangerous. You may lack closeness and support. Your conversation with your partner is short. You can’t see the sparks in your relationship that were there at the beginning. You need to work to rekindle them. There is a lot of work ahead of you! Ready to move on?

2 – This is a medium level of passion, intimacy, and commitment. Your feelings may be subdued, but not extinguished. There’s not as much craziness as at the beginning, but you’re still drawn to each other. Remember that after years of a relationship, it may be normal to be different. Looking back at the beginnings of a relationship and comparing them, you will always rate the relationship differently. Sometimes higher and sometimes lower. It’s worth suggesting your feelings about the present to judge because comparing can be misleading. There is some work ahead of you, actually awakening what lies within. To do this, you can go back in time with your thoughts and recall the best moments in the relationship. This helps! Try it out for yourself!

3 – This is the highest level of passion, intimacy, and commitment. You can be proud of both yourself and your partner. You are creating a full and healthy relationship. You are able to talk, laugh, and love, and that is something beautiful. Remember to keep working on the relationship and keep growing. After all, it can always get better and the relationship can surprise you day by day. I’m glad you are at this point in your life. Appreciate what you have and remember to never stop loving! Good luck!

I hope this part has given you some food for thought. The last part will be a summary of the whole thing. You will learn how to work on your relationship, how to make apt changes, and how to talk to your partner. In addition, we will also discuss how to stimulate a relationship that is going through a crisis and how to work on continuous development.

Aneta Sznicer

Aneta Sznicer

Founder of Mood & Read, HR specialist, copywriter, marketer, and soon to be psychologist. I help people achieve their goals by teaching social skills. Personally, I love playing the piano, dancing and singing. Anything to do with music helps me to find myself in reality. If you listen carefully, you will be able to hear your emotions. If you are able to hear them, you will know yourself even better and stronger. Thank you for visiting my website. It is a pleasure to get to know you.

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