– “Don’t yell at me.” Says a nervous man.
– “I didn’t scream” Says the woman who screamed.
– “You can’t hear yourself, you’ve been screaming for minutes.”
– “Just like you!”
Emotions prevail, and we are not aware of them during an argument. The above dialogue is an argument between two people. The conversation begins calmly, until the moment of disagreement – this is the moment when we stop thinking rationally and our decisions,tone and volume of voice change voluntarily. This is when we are driven by our unbridled emotions, which we are not able to deal with, and as I stressed earlier, we are not aware of them.
So how should we communicate in relationships to make our relationship deeper and more stable? How should we talk to each other to reach out and understand each other?
3. In peace
“Guess” is probably a phrase perfectly suited to women because which woman doesn’t get frustrated when her partner doesn’t understand what’s wrong? Unfortunately, we will never change that, because that is the nature of men. In order to get to their own mistakes and more, they need simple messages that will allow them to learn about the mistakes made and the needs of the other person.
Women have similarities, but they don’t talk about it, because which partner will tell their partner the above mentioned words? None.
Women are taught that every time something doesn’t suit their partner, they receive a message and they don’t do it themselves because they claim that a mistake made by a man is obvious. This is a kind of hypocrisy, unconscious hypocrisy. A woman expects something from her partner that she doesn’t have to do, and when she can’t do it, she gets nervous and resents it. Groundless resentment. Of course, the situation can be reversed. It is not a matter of categorising traits to one of the genders, although it is necessary to emphasise the essence of the structure of the brain and its differences inclined towards gender. So let us come back to the men who have not guessed what they are supposed to do resulting in a quarrel. We associate an argument with screaming, with a brawl, with nerves, and have you not wondered what it would look like without these three factors? Wouldn’t calm and understanding be a better and more sensible solution to problems? Are we able to argue in this way?
And basically the most important question:
Will this continue to be an argument?
The answer is: YES. An argument by definition is a conflict between two people which is created by different views and no compromises. All the emotions contained in it are a side effect of not being able to cope with correct communication and nerves. This can be quite easily remedied if there is a desire on both sides of the conflict. The most effective method to calm your nerves is to leave the room for 15 minutes and calm down. Deep breaths and restoring the standard heart rate and heartbeat will make it more rational to approach the subject of the conflict without blaming the other party for everything. So when will the ideal time come to leave the room so you can calm down? You feel strong nerves, your heart is pounding and your hands are sweaty. You feel blood rushing to your head and you know you’re about to explode. This is the perfect time to go out and calm down because you will not come to an agreement with your partner in this state, and even if you do, it will not be a fully conscious process and you may regret the words spoken in your nerves after a while.
What about talking about your own needs? How many of you tell your partner what he expects? What’s bothering him? What does he want to change in the relationship? If you are already communicating such signals, how? A lot of people are counting on a change, not paying attention to it at all. So how is this process supposed to happen if there is only one thing:
And it’s the ignorance, which, becoming knowledge, would most probably be misrepresented. Very often I come across a situation when a partner asks the other one for a change; which is a non-functional and inadequate method. We can present messages in two ways: talking about ourselves and talking about the other person. Look at the two sentences below and decide which would be the better way of communicating with your partner:
“I’d like to tell you something. I feel neglected because you are spending little time with me. I’m sad and I feel bad about it. It can also result in my annoyance towards you. I’d like you to think about it and respect my feelings.”
“You neglect me and spend little time with me. We fight all the time and I don’t think it’s good between us. Change your attitude towards me!”
In the first example, which is the more adequate one, we express our own feelings by talking about ourselves. We do not point out the mistakes of the partner, but emphasise the emotions accompanying us. The second message is blaming and focusing on the partner’s behaviour. The messages are aimed at the other person, regardless of their own feelings. It is very important to show the other person what you feel and what your behaviour leads to. Such communication leads to a desire to change in the other person because he or she does not feel blamed. Think about all the factors that influence the correctness and effectiveness of communication and think about which of them would be worth introducing into your relationship.
The last thing, the most trivial and the most important…
Every morning I say to myself, “None of the things I say today will teach me anything. So if I want to learn something new, I have to listen.” – Larry King
LISTEN TO EACH OTHER.