We look, but we can’t see.
We’re listening, but we can’t hear.
We touch, but we don’t feel.
You’re meeting a new man. You don’t know him and you don’t know who he is and what you can expect from him. You start a conversation and you slowly get to know him. So far you know little, as much as he’s told you. You wonder about his true character. You know so much that you will find out in due time when you will get to know each other better and closer, but won’t it be too late?
Do you know what the biggest reason for a failed relationship is?
The lack of matching and getting to know each other. People don’t spend enough time talking and that’s why they don’t know each other enough. There are other issues, such as the needs of the other person that follow correct communication. From emotional needs to closeness, support and respect.
What about “between the words” messages?
Here things start to get very interesting. Each of us utters a very large number of words a day. Some of them are ill-considered and hasty, while others are appropriate to the situation and are affected by the emotions inside us. When we say them, our facial expressions change. Our body is also arranged in a certain way. Sometimes our facial expressions and the body are consistent with our thoughts, and sometimes it is quite the opposite. I will tell you something very important, what people say does not reflect the truth and what they really think. Our voice is only a sound wave coming out of our larynx through moving vocal cords. That’s it. And our emotionality is a completely separate subject that may or may not be included in our sound. Here we have a lot to define a person; it’s not what we hear, but what we see. How his face expresses the words spoken, how his body works. Whether the man is nervous, whether his hands are sweating or trembling is reflected in his voice. All these factors can lead us to get to know the other person better.
A change of perspective? What is it really about?
Let’s forget about speech and focus on actions now. Think about what you do when you get nervous? How does your body function in this state and do you have a range of behaviours that could match this emotion? These could be temperature changes, paralysis in the body, strong heartbeats or a broken voice. There may be completely different elements that cause these changes. Let’s assume that your hands are sweating when you’re under tension, and every time they do you start rubbing them against your pants. Maybe you don’t pay attention to it and you never coded it. If that’s the case, take a look at yourself during this state and pay attention to such small gestures. I’ve only mentioned examples above, of which there are many more. Now imagine happiness. How do you behave and react then? How does your body express its satisfaction? If you have already found several reactions of your body to particular emotions, you may presume that the other person: a colleague, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband may have similar emotions. And the actions? You once wondered how much you would learn about the other person by opening your eyes to them. Seeing something you hadn’t focused on before. It’s the acts or activities we do throughout our lives that can tell us much more about ourselves and other people rather than the words we hear.
Here is an example from a man who was interviewing me for a job, and this is what he told me:
“I was looking for an employee and found some candidates. One of them was a young girl whose CV inspired me to take a closer look at her. The document showed that she was versatile. She has a high level of skills in the office suite, several completed courses in communication and marketing, psychological interests and completed studies in management. Her interests include dancing, yoga and the art of relaxation. I thought I found the right person to fit perfectly into my organisation. So I invited her for an interview. She came into my office and was very upset. I also noticed a pretty strong distraction. Her documents were scattered in her purse and she couldn’t control her stress. I started to wonder how a person who is practicing yoga, is interested in psychology and various forms of relaxation couldn’t master their current state of nervousness. We started a conversation, I asked about all the above mentioned aspects. The girl answered evasively, and I noticed that she was sitting down all through our meeting. I am quite familiar with yoga and the field of psychology because I am interested in them myself, so I asked her when she last did yoga. There was a silence. After a few minutes she said that some time ago. I knew already then that the girl had no idea about this sport, but I wanted to know more about what is true and what is not true about her CV. She was unlucky to find me (laughs). I asked about psychology, since she’s interested in it and I asked her to mention the last book she read. She replied that she doesn’t remember, but reads a lot of short articles on the Internet. The last part of the test of the office’s skills allowed me to unanimously say that she is not a candidate for my company. I thanked her and finished the interview.”
It’s not about the lies in your resume. It’s about paying attention to a person and observing the other factors rather than words.
Let’s not focus so much on words, let’s change our perspective and notice what others don’t see. Let’s pay attention to details, but also to the whole thing.
Let’s observe more broadly, but more closely.