Have you noticed the variety of relationships around us?
When I look at relationships, I notice the variability of character – each of them is based on different aspects of closeness and expression of emotions. Some need a touch, others need words and others need time. Still others would like to help with the simplest things or small gestures that result in an enduring feeling. People seek intimacy throughout their lives and, over the years, discover how they need to express it most. That is why Gary Chapman described five languages of love that relate to both expressing and receiving love. Think about which language of love is closest to your partner and which language you are given by your partner. Then consider whether your expectations are in line with reality.
1. Physical contact
It’s quiet. You lie together, cuddle, feel their presence and touch. It brings you closer together and you feel happy. You feel full, full of love, and the words expressed in such moments have no meaning for you. It is your passion that turns into unspoken words. What matters to you is just being together and connecting your bodies. It is one of the most common and sought after languages of love, which proves its significance. Therefore, we can say that for many people physical contact is the main demand of love. It is worth emphasising that it does not have to involve sex; it is merely an irreplaceable link between people. It brings us closer and allows us to discover the truth. It expresses love and shows the closeness that can exist between you and another. Sex plays a very important role in our relationship, and its absence causes distance and isolation. Not revealing ourselves to another person or showing our naked body could perhaps signal our reluctance to accept ourselves. As I mentioned earlier, physical contact does not have to be about sex. The main assumption is the connection and the feeling of closeness and how it appears in the relationship depends on the individual relationship. Each of us perceives physicality and closeness differently: for one, it will involve hugging, for another, kissing, and for another, sex.
I love you. I’m crazy about you. I want to spend my whole life with you. Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
Who doesn’t like to hear those words? I think we all love it. It makes us feel special and loved. And do we all need that? Is it a sign of love for us? Do words mean more to us than deeds? Do we need the confirmation of love? Or does it involve uncertainty about the other person’s feelings? If you have answered most or all of the questions in the affirmative, it indicates that words are one of the languages of your love. You need them and they make you happy and close. It is words that make you love and that make you love deep and true. Words are important to you and their meanings are powerful. They confirm your feelings, make you calm and nostalgic. They symbolise your love.
You’re together. You walk in the park, in the woods, play a game, talk, cuddle, cook. No matter what you do, it’s important that you’re together. You do things together and it brings you closer together. You find time for each other. It is not about too much time, but about the intensity and quality of its use. Sometimes less is more. You can watch a series together and spend a few or several hours on it, but is it well-spent time? You are together, but do you feel the attention? Do you feel that this time was devoted to you? This language of love is unique because it does not require much attention. It requires intensity in short periods of time, which turns out to be much more integrative than a long presence without enough attention.
Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Who doesn’t like receiving them? And what really matters in gifts? Is the price important? Or is accuracy and sacrifice more important? Gifts are able to show who we are to another person and what they can do for us, what they can give us. Gifts can be material things, but also a gift that testifies to memory and constant effort. And a gift that required time and work from the other person? Is it not more appreciated by us?
This is about selfless help, about wanting to do something for another person. These can be the simplest things, such as helping with everyday chores. Simply relieving the burden on the other person, which is a sign of affection. Each of us is aware that as two separate sexes we are different. Women can be more introspective and thoughtful, while men can be rather up-front and to the point. Here it is addressed to all women who feel that devotion is their language of love: Tell your boyfriend, fiancé, husband what you need and what you expect from him. If you need help and can’t cope with all the responsibilities that burden you, tell him. He’ll do the right thing by loving you.
How do you know which language of love you speak?
Think about your partner’s behaviour and try to determine which language he/she uses. Think about your relationship and pay attention to the moments when you feel happy and confident. By noticing our partner’s behaviour, it will be easier to determine our own language of love because it is often the same. If we are happy with what we get, we behave in the same way towards the other person through a feeling of fulfilment. If we do not like what we get, we feel overwhelmed and dissatisfied with our relationship. We often behave towards the other person as if we wanted to be treated ourselves, and our partner does not feel our efforts because our languages of love are different.
Here is some advice for people who do not like their partner’s language of love. Try to behave towards the other person, the same way as they behave towards you, even though you are not happy with it yourself. It is very likely that this is their language of love, which they are using to try and please you. By satisfying them and showing understanding, your relationship will overcome difficult moments, and then you will be able to talk to your other half and reach out to them by paying attention to a language that is adapted to you and that is flexible.
The language of our love can come from our parents. As we grow up around them, we transfer their behaviour to each other and, whether or not we want to, we unconsciously behaved similarly towards our partner. It is very likely that we have transferred their language of love to our relationship.
But, is it adapted to and suitable for our other half?
Here we have to think about solving this puzzle ourselves…