Everyone communicates, but who does it correctly?

A great many people, during even simple conversations, do not understand each other. Their intentions, as well as their way of seeing the world, differ, and this leads to a lack of understanding and minor communication mistakes that reflect on the relationship going forward.

The ability to talk constructively with another person is a very important part of our lives. Both listening and speaking should correlate with incorrect communication because it is through these two factors that we create a dialogue.
It is now, that we should reflect together on the various factors that will affect our communication with the other person. An American psychologist who specialized in family therapy was active in this field.

Thomas Gordon detailed 12 barriers to getting along with other people.

Criticizing

Negatively expressing yourself about the other person does not bring anything constructive into the relationship.
On the contrary, it leads to frustration, upset, or a lowering of one’s self-esteem.
The criticized party takes a defensive or attacking stance towards the other person. This is not good for anyone.

Labeling

In other words, this is labeling the other person and attributing to him or her the subjective qualities that we believe to be correct.
It is the kind of mechanism that becomes active during a halo effect.

Making diagnoses

Defining a person about one’s feelings can often be truthful, but not always. Our inner conviction about the other person’s ulterior motives may not be right.
And what happens then?
We may unknowingly acquire the other person’s powerlessness and problems with or her self. Probably all of us know how annoying it is when our interlocutor knows better than us, even though the issue in question does not concern him or her.

Praise + evaluation

This is quite a controversial point because a large part regards praise as a motivating and supportive aspect. We all like it.
But what if the intention of our praise is not honest? What if our evaluation becomes an attempt at manipulation?
The person being praised will treat his or her behavior as respectable and, for this reason, will start to replicate it.
And will their replication have a positive effect on her, or you?

Command

Here the situation is quite clear. No one likes to obey and listen to orders, but contrary to this, a lot of people like to command.
A lot of people believe in the effectiveness of a coercive message, but in reality, it does not carry positive consequences.
Such behavior lowers the self-esteem of the person who is exposed to orders.

Threats

Threats, like commands, lead to negative emotions and affect the other person badly. They cause the acquisition of anxiety and fear of one’s interlocutor.

Moralizing

Who likes to listen to the other person’s morals?
I suspect no one.
Such messages create anxiety and feelings of guilt.
In addition, they deprive sincere people of expressing their own opinion.

Too many questions

Here we can give the example of parents who, when their child returns from school, would like to know everything that happened there.
Too many questions lead to a limitation of a correct relationship because the child may at some point start to shut down or avoid conversation with the parent.

Advice

When giving advice, we deprive the other person of their thoughts and allow them to take shortcuts.
We will never be in our interlocutor’s shoes, so by using such a formulation, we are acting senselessly.
Each person knows themselves best and knows what is good for them and what is not.

Distraction

You have noticed that very often when someone tells you about their problem, you try to divert their attention from the issue.
A lot of people think that worrying is not worthwhile and it would be better to distract their thoughts from the existing problem.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
This method is often used during topics that cause tension between people.

Logical arguments

A disengaged emotional discussion has a very negative effect on the situation at hand. It removes unpleasant emotions, focusing only on arguments, which can throw the other person off balance.
To illustrate this point, you can give the example of a partner who has problems at work and is struggling internally.
You, by making him/her aware of issues that are obvious to him/her, will put him/her in a state of nervousness. This will negatively affect the conversation going forward.

Reassuring

Here, the main measure is our level of empathy, i.e. at what level we can feel the other person’s emotions.
If we have a low level of empathy, we are not able to put ourselves in our interlocutor’s shoes and be emotionally close to him or her, which is what he or she needs most at that moment.
Instead, we start to calm down, which has the complete opposite effect.

To effectively remove all barriers, focus on your feelings and decide for yourself what is appropriate and what is not.

You will surely succeed, and your communication with others will move from the ‘standard’ level to the ‘premium’ level.